i'd tell you i miss you, but i don't know how
by shiksa goddess
Summary: i've never heard silence quite this loud/ Bade, seperated by the head, not the heart.  Bade and SLIGHT Jandre


**I don't know. I wrote this for the SAFARI slam,but my power got knocked out by a hurricane and then the interenet was down for like, ever. And...yeah. I like parts of this. I hate parts of it. I stole from... Story of Us by Taylor Swift,and I put some more lyrics in here,too. I wonder if you'll catch them. REVIEW :)**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **__

_Day 11, Hour 23._  
>It's too late to be up, but they are ring gleams on the nightstand, and she hopes he doesn't notice. They lay motionless in a fortress of fluffy white sheets, silent as they watch each others chests' rise and fall. She grabs his hand and pretends she never has to let go.<p>

_Day 12, Hour 9.5_

His flight leaves and they don't let her past security. She almost buys a ticket just so she can watch him fly away, but she doesn't.  
>He kisses her, and they hold up a line, and people are ranting that they're still not moving, but their lips are fused together and he can't let go *just* yet. He walks away and she watches as far a she can until he's lost in a mass of strangers and she's ushered away, mascara and love spilling down her porcelain face.<br>She later thinks it's better that she didn't see the plane take off, because this way, she can pretend he never really left.__

_Day 4, Hour 13_

It's finally official, he's leaving and she's stuck. She supposed she should be happy, (it_ is_ a good thing, right?) So they get Italian Ice. His tastes like birthday cake and her's is pistachio, because it's about as far from celebration you can get at an ice cream parlor.  
>Beck's is gone in an instant, and Jade's is quickly taking the form of a lumpy, puke-colored slop.<br>He asks if he can finish it, and she pushes it towards him in disgust.

"Aren't you happy for me, babe?" He asks, shoving spoonful after spoonful into his mouth.

"Of course." She nods, plastering on a fake half- smile.

"You're lying."  
>She nods in response.<br>And he wants it to change, but it doesn't, and Jade's still on the goddamn verge of goddamn tears.  
>He continues to eat the italian ice, because you've got to take advantage of something before it's gone.<p>

_Day 457, Hour 16_

He's been gone a year and ninety-two days, she thinks, placing the martini glass on the laminate counter.  
>She doesn't know if it's obsessive or stupid or what, but she's been counting the days of Beck's absence like some people count the days in their relationship.<br>Maybe she should be a little more supportive, ask him about his life instead of whining that he should quit and come back.  
>But what she should do and what she did do were completely different things.<p>

/_Day 1, Hour 11_  
>She's still asleep when he gets the news.<p>

"Beck, they want you for the part. The whole 4-movie deal."

"What? Oh my God, seriously?"

"Yes, Beck." A nonchalant chuckle from the agent, oblivious that the news he was about to give is a travesty.

" They want you in Paris in three days!"  
>The smile melts. "Paris? They're not shooting in Hollywood? Not Vancouver?"<br>"No, they wanted a more on-location set. Is there a problem?"  
>"No, I mean, yes, maybe. I'll call you back."<br>The hang-up tone never seemed so deafening.

_Day 1, Hour 12_

"So you're leaving?"Her eyes look green from the light streaming in.  
>His Grecian goddess, chocolate hair shining against the white sheets.<br>"Maybe."

"Just go." She whispers, for his sake.  
>He grabs her hand, supposedly for her sake, but it'd be a disadvantage to both of them if he let go.<p>

/  
><em>Day 789<em>

It's still a long way to go. Two years down, two to go.

At some random point, she runs into André and Tori, happy, successful, and* together*.

Tori smiles innocently. "Beck's shooting a movie,right?"

André interlaces their hands, adorned with wedding bands, just because he can. It mocks Jade, and so does the absence of jewels on her finger.  
>She just nods" Movies."<p>

"So when's he coming back?" André wonders.

"Two years."

"Wow, that must be hard" Like Tori-perfect- Vega was actually sympathetic to Jade-broken-West.

Jade smacks her in the face, André tries to intervene, and Tori screams.

Paparazzi, seemingly out of nowhere, snap pictures.

On the verge of fame, and already deemed violent. André and Tori leave, hardly to be seen again except on glossy magazines, and Jade floors it back home for a frappé and a call to Beck.

Y'know, comfort food.  
>

_Day 8, Hour 21_  
>She emerges dressed in a black cardigan and acid-wash jeans.<p>

He's packing and she watches.

"Do you care that you're leaving me?" It's a vulnerable question, one of the sort that Jade West never asks.

"Of course I care."

"Then why are you leaving?"

Pause. Stop. Rewind. He didn't know how to answer, and Beck Oliver hated being posed with things he didn't know.

"Well, it's a good opportunity, and-"

"Save the shit, Oliver."

"Ok, I don't know. But I do know that I'm coming back."

"But you're* leaving* me."  
>"Temporarily. But Jade, if you were ever mine in the first place, you'll come back to me. "<p>

"So, I'm just supposed to come back? What kind of shit is this-"

"I'm letting you go."

"What?"  
>She's so alarmed, he thought. Thoughts were penetrating her thick skull, thoughts she never wanted to think.<p>

"We'll always be together, but if you need to go, go. I'm not going to be the one dragging you down, pinning you to the ground."  
>They both cried silently into the perfectly square t-shirts in his suitcase.<p>

"Why would you say that?" She was choked up, and he honestly didn't want to look up and see her cry, but just the knowledge that she was wrenched his heart.

"Because I love you."

"But I'm not leaving! You are!"

"We'll just have to test that theory then, won't we?"  
>He closed the suitcase, and subsequently, the conversation.<p>

_Day 10, Hour 7_

A small white box sits in his pocket. She at the kitchen table.

He doesnt kneel, he sits next to her, and he doesn't ask, he demands.

"Marry me."

She rolls her eyes and takes another bite of cereal. "You're leaving in two days, Beck."

"Then marry me after. We'll still only be 25, we can still start a family. Jade, just, please. "

She holds out her hand and continues to eat her cereal. She doesn't even look until he's released the hand.

"Ostentatious much, Oliver?" Sarcasm floods her tone and the stone weighs down her finger.

"Only the best for you." He rests his hand on her knee, and beginning-of-relationship, even* friendly* move, and leaves it there far too long.

She's stared at that cereal for an inordinate amount of time. He suddenly realizes she's crying. Sobbing. She looks up, and he notices the sparkly blue eyes have turned into a bloodshot, murky color.

"Your eyes aren't blue."

"Shut up! Just shut up! You can't do this to me! You can't just put a ring on my finger and just leave! You can't! You just...are."

The change of words stuns him.

"Don't leave me."

It makes him cry,too.  
>He knows she doesn't want him to see, but he notices the ring shimmering on her nightstand an hour later.<p>

_Day 902, Hour 12_

"She's falling apart." He remarks about his wife.

"She could never handle fame."

The world must be upside down, because she never thought she'd see a day where she didn't call Beck or where André said something about Tori that  
>didn't relate to her perfection.<p>

She's not sure how, but they went from sipping Coke in the kitchen to stripping down in the bedroom.

She wakes up and grabs the hand next to her, then notices that it's color is chocolate, not olive, and everything comes crashing down.

"I cheated."  
>He chuckles. She tells him she fucked with his best friend. And he <em>chuckles<em>

"I don't think that's the appropriate response."

"You didn't cheat. You're free. Are you leaving me?"

"That's your job, you ass."

"I take that as a no."

"I really love you."

" I know that."  
>And even though there's five thousand miles between them, she swears she can hear his heartbeat, the sound of his breathing, like he was next to her.<p>

_Day 347, Hour 24_

He calls her at eleven p.m. and she answers because it's Beck.  
>"Hi."<p>

"Hi."

The conversation goes on like this, hours on end of silence. And not for a second. did they feel the conversation go flat.

(_Silence)_  
><em>_  
><em>Day 21, Hour 16<em>

The impact of being alone finally hits her at the ten-day count. She checks Skype obsessivly and almost breaks the touchpad clicking on his name when it turns green.

His shaggy hair has comb tracks through it, and he's shirtless.

"You're trying to murder me quietly,aren't you?"

He looks down, as if just now noticing the fact that he's flaunting that his top half resembles a Greek god statue, minus the pasty color and marble coat.

"No. It really would benefit no one for you to die."

"I wish I could kiss you right now."

"You don't know how much I'd love to grant that wish."

"I found a wedding dress."

"So we're still going through with this?"

They keep on, whispering sweet nothings through a computer screen until their eyes burn.

She finally closes the computer screen, after he says 'I miss you' and she says 'I love you.'

(And they're both left hanging)

/  
>Day 1,312,Hour 13<br>It takes a lot for Jade West to call home.

"Jadey! Oh, my baby, how are you? You never call! " Amanda West gushes on and on about how" I-haven't-seen-you-in-three-years-why-don't-you-call."

"I'm not good, Mom. Beck's gone."

It makes her realize just how much mothers really do love you.

"He's been gone how long?"

"One thousand, three hundred days."

"Oh, baby. You've been counting, huh?"

"Yeah, mom. It's on a calendar."It was one of the first things she'd said to her mother that wasn't sarcastic in thirteen years.

"Jade, you're twenty-three. He's coming back soon. You've lived without him for a while,now-"

"Without him, I've lived a lie. I cheated, I lied, I threw my engagement ring off a cliff, I've holed up, I'm not even sure how much is left in my bank account, and the play I was supposed to finish two years ago is on page twenty! I'm a mess! I can't, can't live without him. He is everything to me,mom! Why did he leave? Why aren't I good enough! What's wrong with me?"

(Crickets)

Amanda was there in half and hour and they sat in silence.

And Jade felt better than she would've had they been talking.

(There'd never been silence quite as loud.)

_Day 904, Hour 16_  
>The sun set on what would've been a perfect day, had she not been sick to the pit of her stomach in guilt and shame.<p>

André had tried to talk her into starting a relationship, but Jade had refused.

"You belong to Tori, I belong to Beck."

He seemed angered, but a minute later he was on the phone with Tori, back to spewing about how perfect she was and how sorry he was that he got" hungover".

Jade shook her head and got in her car. Now, she was at Raffman's Cliff, almost-forgotten engagment ring in hand. She runs her adorned hand through the lush grass (just this once),  
>then takes the ring and clasps in in her palm, the band cold and hard, the diamond rough and prismatic.<p>

Tears well up in her eyes as she throws the ring over the edge.

She hears a soft splash as it hits the bottom several hundred feet below. She discards a photo envelope filled with pictures of André and Tori as well.

She considers jumping herself, but realizes there's no need to put Beck in misery just to escape her's.

_Day 111, Hour 11_

It's New Year's Day, and she sits alone in the house. She stares at the phone, he still hasn't called, and she feels so damn *low*, she can't feel anything at all.  
>The screen of her laptop laughs at her, a word document blaring off the screen that's only twenty pages in, and it's due in...what, a month?<br>She'd originally thought her pain could transfer into yet another sold out musical, but somehow the concept had changed to be about a group of misfits at a performing arts school.  
>And it related so much to high school, she couldn't keep going.<br>And the riches she'd earned slowly dwindled away.

_Day 1459, Hour 1_

"I'm coming home tomorrow, Babe" He smiled.

"Home? Your home is Canada."

"No. My home is you."

"I threw my engagement ring off a cliff."

"Now why would you do that?"

"Because you set me free."

He laughed at her rationale . "Ok."

"Just come home soon, Beck."

"I'm already packed."

_Day 32, Hour 14_

Two a.m and she called him, because he's still 's crying, muffled.  
>"You're the only person I can call."<br>"What about Cat?"  
>"I'm not talking to that dweeb in her bed."<br>"You mean Robbie."  
>"I don't care. Beck, please, do a Superman act. Save me."<p>

"I can't, you're my Kryptonite." He teases. It doesn't make her feel any better.  
>"Please." The sobs weigh her down like heavyweights.<br>"Just breathe, Jade. Just breathe."  
>It sounds like a lullaby in her mind.<p>

/

_Day 1460, Hour 12_

This time, she does buy a ticket, for a flight she'll never ride that coincides with Beck's landing.  
>Her freshly dyed blue-black hair falls in her face as she waits for the plane to arrive.<p>

(Just _one_ more damn minute drags on forever)

Familiar shaggy hair wheels a red carry-on luggage down the gate, and warm brown eyes meet icy blue ones.  
>She runs and jumps into his tan arms.<p>

"You didn't change." He laughs, looking at her white pallor, gray jeans and combat boots.

"Says the guy wearing the same red flannel he's had since he was sixteen."

And then silence. Not an awkward one, but one worthy of smiles and filled with countless unspoken words.

Jade's black beanie falls off as he kisses her, and random airport flyers clap for two (famous) perfect strangers.

"You waited."he says breathlessly.

"You came back," she retorts.

"You love me again." He laughs.

"I didn't stop."

People ogle the pair, the playwright and the actor, the earth and the fire,

Or, in simplicity, Beck and Jade.


End file.
